Goodbye Is A Difficult Word
by Lunar Sunsets
Summary: After a call from Kurt, Rachel goes back to Lima to be attempt to reach some sort of peace with the sudden death of her on-again off-again boyfriend.


It had only been a day. Just a day since got that stupid phone call. Kurt was already back in Lima, visiting for a few days. Of course, Rachel had been busy with Funny Girl and NYADA and just basic things. Santana...well...Santana had gone back with Kurt, saying something about visiting her parents. Both she and Dani. The two had been inseparable for a while now. Of course, Santana wanted Dani to meet her parents.

But that was the last thing on the brunette's mind at the moment. The call had been from Kurt. He had been crying, that was obvious the moment Rachel heard his voice. The soft sniffling...she had wondered what had hurt him.

"Finn...Finn's dead," he had said bluntly. Rachel's world had collapsed around her and she couldn't speak. She didn't breathe, she didn't cry, she didn't do anything. It hurt. She was shocked, to say the least. Kurt had started crying again, but Rachel couldn't even produce a sound. Well, she thought she couldn't.

"I'm coming to Lima, Kurt," she had said softly.

And she was on the train almost immediately, it felt like. Still shocked, still silent, still unable to comprehend what she had been told. It was like her whole being refused to believe the words. The trip had passed by quickly - too quickly for comfort. And she soon found herself standing outside the choir room in McKinley.

Soft whispers could be heard from inside the room, and Rachel didn't want to deal with others, so she went walking a little, down the halls, trying to remember something good. But instead, all she saw was Finn. She heard Finn, walking down the hall, laughing. Then she stumbled across his locker.

Well, the wall of lockers his locker had been a part of. It was covered in little notes for him, little notes he would never see or read. There were candles - previously lit and long since put out, Rachel guessed - and teddy bears and flowers and even a football on the floor in front of the lockers. Rachel slowly reached out and touched the locker that had been his only a short year ago - the simple feeling of the cool metal brought tears to her eyes. But she didn't cry. She didn't let them spill over and slide down her cheeks.

No, she couldn't cry. Not here, not now...

She read a few of the notes - most of them were simple "we'll miss you!"s and "you'll always live on in our hearts!" - and they made the whole thing seem so...real. Too real. Her heart ached - a real, painful, physical ache. It hurt to breathe for a moment - she placed a hand on her chest and closed her eyes, waiting for it to stop.

The voices barely registered in her mind as she stood there, finally looking up at the lockers again.

"I hope Rachel's alright," someone said. Rachel guessed it was Tina.

"I'm sure she's...fine...she has Kurt and Santana, right?" another person asked. Obviously a boy - maybe it was Artie or Sam.

The voices began to grow softer - they were leaving. "Kurt and Santana came back here," a different person said. _Blaine. Definitely Blaine._ "Before the news...before Finn..."

Rachel turned on her heels and started walking back to the choir room, leaving the lockers behind her. There was silence in the choir room now, not that the brunette stopped to check. She simply walked in, closing the door carelessly behind her and freezing a few steps into the room. Her eyes focused on the seats against the wall as she remembered them all sitting there. Finn, with his goofy smile...sitting next to her...holding her hand and -

"Rachel?" a familiar voice pulled Rachel from her thoughts. She looked at the source of the question and frowned slightly, crossing her arms over her chest. The man was standing behind the piano and looked both shocked and heartbroken. "Rachel - did you - "

"Mr. Schue," the brunette said, walking over to him quickly and immediately bursting into tears as soon as she set her head on his shoulder. Like a protective father, Mr. Schuester wrapped and arm around her, gently resting his chin on top of his head. He took a deep breath, willing himself not to cry, Rachel guessed.

The brunette couldn't hold it in any longer. She wanted to talk, but she couldn't. She dissolved into tears, feeling broken and hurt beyond repair. It was as if the news finally hit her, the pain and permanency of it all. The reality of it had finally dawned on her.

"It'll be okay, Rachel," came Mr. Schue's soft voice. He wrapped his other arm around her and pulled her closer. Rachel continued to cry. "It'll all be okay."

"No it won't," Rachel said. She sounded like a child, denying the truth. "It won't be okay. Nothing will be okay. Finn's gone. I'll never see his smile again, I'll never hear his laugh or his voice or - he's gone, Mr. Schue. Nothing will ever be okay again."

"Rachel," was all he said.

"Don't 'Rachel' me - you know it's true," Rachel said weakly. "He was like a son to you. You know it's not going to be okay."

"It's going to be okay. Trust me when I tell you that, Rachel," Mr. Schuester said."Do you need to talk to anyone - Kurt? Burt? Carole? Emma? Anyone?"

The brunette simply turned her body so she was facing Mr. Schuester and hid her face in his shoulder, hoping that her answer was clear to him. When there was an extended period of silence, she spoke. "Just let me cry, please, Mr. Schue," she begged, again like a child. He responded by holding her closer, tighter, treating her as if she were his daughter.

After another extended period of silence, Rachel pulled away from Mr. Schuester and smiled a little, that bright star shining through the pain in her eyes and on her face. Mr. Schuester didn't believe she was going to be totally okay at the moment, but knew that she was much better than before.

"I...I think I'm going to go sing a song in the auditorium, Mr. Schue. Thank you," she said softly and started heading for the door. She paused and looked at her former teacher and bit her lip. "Do you mind if I do so?"

"Go ahead, Rachel," he said softly. "Whatever you need to do."

With that, she walked out of the choir room and walked to the auditorium, avoiding the locker shrine. It felt so nostalgic, walking down the halls once again. But there was a serious feeling, a sad feeling, a lonely feeling. She was walking alone, evidence of crying written all over her face. The halls were silent. With each step she took towards the auditorium, she felt heavier and heavier, as if something were holding her back and weighing her down.

Standing on the stage, staring out into the seats, she nearly started crying again. She remembered singing Don't Stop Believing with Finn and Tina and Artie and Kurt and Mercedes that day, so long ago. She remembered kissing Finn for the first time. Him proposing. Their break-up. And now...now she was standing here, alone.

_Finn's not coming back_, she thought. _He's gone forever. I'll never see his goofy grin, or hear his laugh again. Feel his hug. He's gone forever._

She sat down at the piano and started playing softly. She was never the best at piano, but she might as well try. She loved this song - she'd learned the part to this so long ago, it felt like. The words poured out of her when she started singing, each word carrying such a weight that it felt like she was literally throwing the world off her shoulders as she sang.

"_When the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, I could offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my love_," she started, closing her eyes and letting the lyrics flow. "_When the evening shadows and the stars appear, and there is no one there to dry your tears, I could hold you for a million years to make you feel my love_."

She swore she felt someone sit next to her and gently wipe the tears from her face. She opened her eyes and looked next to her, seeing nobody. She heard Finn's laugh, distant sounding and soft, but it was definitely his. Brushing it off, believing it was her imagination and hope, she continued singing.

"_The storms are raging on the rolling sea and on the highway of regret. The winds of change are blowing wild and free, you ain't seen nothing like me yet_," she continued, nearing the end of the song. The tears wouldn't stop, and her heart felt like it was shattering into a million pieces as she forced herself to continue singing.

"_I could make you happy, make your dreams come true. Nothing that I wouldn't do. Go to the ends of the Earth for you to make you feel my love_," she sang softly, stopping suddenly at the last syllable and breaking down again, crying onto the keys of the piano.

Once again, she felt someone sit down next to her and wrap their arms around her while she cried. "It's okay, Rachel," a familiar yet new-sounding voice whispered in her ear. "It's okay to hurt, it's okay to cry. I love you. I'll always love you."

The voice - she recognized the voice. It was -

"Finn!" she cried, turning quickly to see him, his goofy smile, to feel him again. But when she looked, there was no one there. She was alone still, always alone. She forced herself to her feet and walked out of the auditorium, unable to stay in there any longer.

She started to walk towards the lockers, but turned and went to the choir room instead. She knew that Mr. Schuester would have paper and a pen or something. He always did. When she walked into the choir room, he was sitting at the piano, writing something, probably. She asked for a little sticky note and a pen, which he gladly gave her without a single question.

Hurrying back to the lockers, she already knew what she was going to write. She stopped and picked out a spot on his locker - it was like everyone had saved a spot for her on what used to be his locker - and quickly scribbled down her message and stuck it to the locker. She set the pen on the floor, feeling as if someone else might need it.

She stepped back and read her message, a small smile working its way onto her face.

"_There's nothing I wouldn't do to have you back, Finn. You're my first love, forever. I'll always love you - Rachel._"

Knowing that that was all she needed to say, she turned and walked down the hall, towards the exit.

* * *

**A/N: My first Glee fic. I truly hope I stayed true to Rachel and Will - but mostly Rachel. Obviously, this was for Cory. I probably shouldn't be posting this, but I can't help myself. I really think that it's a little slow in the beginning, and not very good until McKinley comes into the picture, but whatever. Enjoy this, please, thank you. Helpful tips would be loved. c:**


End file.
